Speaker 0 (0s): Welcome to the Tim Heale Podcast. If you have the time, you can not only listen to the episodes, but you can also watch all the shows, and you'll find the links in the description below. thank you.
Boom, I'm in the room. Good evening, good afternoon, good morning, wherever you are watching from Welcome to Everyday Conversations Regarding.
Mental Health. Now you are here because there's nothing on the telly, and I'm coming to you live from the old Heale Manor and I'm your host, Lord Heale. Now this channel's all about mental health, taking a stigma out of it and trying to give help where we can. Now I'm having a little bit of trouble. So, you might need to bear with us, my guest tonight, we're having a little bit of a difficulties with the connection.
It may drop out. If it does, then I'll pop back in and have a, a chat. So we're gonna have a little bit of a look at surviving childhood and living with a Narcissist. So without too much further ado, just bear with me on this. It may or may not come straight in. So here's my guest. No, hang on. Lemme just get him back in.
Boom. There you are.
Speaker 2 (1m 40s): There we go.
Speaker 0 (1m 42s): Ahed. Good evening, good afternoon, good morning.
Speaker 2 (1m 44s): How you doing?
Speaker 0 (1m 46s): Oh, I'm doing okay.
Speaker 2 (1m 46s): Morning. Good evening.
Speaker 0 (1m 49s): So we're having a bit of a challenge.
Speaker 1 (1m 53s): You
Speaker 0 (1m 53s): Looking better?
Speaker 2 (1m 54s): Switched over to top So. it should be better now.
Speaker 0 (1m 57s): Happy days, Brilliant. So Ahmed, you are gonna tell us a little bit about how you survived your childhood and, and growing up with a Narcissist. So let me put you into the scene. I might have to do a quick, quick switch, but, but stick with it.
Speaker 2 (2m 19s): All right.
Speaker 0 (2m 22s): So there, there, there you go. I found you in the screen. So if you can tell us a little bit about how you grew up, where you grew up, and, and then we'll take it from there.
Speaker 2 (2m 33s): All right. Well, thank you. Tim grew up here in Southern California, born and raised my whole life. The son of an immigrant from the, from the Middle East and grew up working in, in the family business, which was a gas station. you know, I worked many, many years as a guest is as a attendant and a cashier, and took me seven and a half years to go to college. Just due to the fact I was working so many hours every week.
I was working 50 to 60 hours per week, you know, six or seven days a week. So. it made it very difficult for me to finish college in a timely manner. And after I finished college, I started a, a career in commercial real estate. But nonetheless, You know growing up, the son of an immigrant and the son of a very successful man had its challenges. You know, the, my father was very narcissistic, very controlling, So. it, it did not allow very much to develop your own personal sense of identity or, or purpose at a young age.
It, it made it very hard to do that. And it didn't happen until much later in my life, unlike many other people who get to develop that sense of purpose and identity much earlier in their life.
Speaker 0 (3m 57s): Wow. Right. Ah, he's done it again. Give us a second. We'll get you back in.
Speaker 2 (4m 3s): Okay.
Speaker 0 (4m 4s): Well, there you go. You are in.
Speaker 2 (4m 6s): So good.
Speaker 0 (4m 8s): So son of immigrant, whereabouts did you, do you Where, were you born? Were you born?
Speaker 2 (4m 16s): Yes, I was born here in southern California, outside of Los Angeles.
Speaker 0 (4m 20s): And, and where did your dad come from?
Speaker 2 (4m 23s): My father was Syrian. So he was born and raised in Damascus, Syria.
Speaker 0 (4m 28s): Ah, and do you speak Arabic?
Speaker 2 (4m 31s): Just, just a little. you know, my parents. thank you.
Speaker 0 (4m 38s): I've done a little bit in the Middle East and around that area. So I've picked up a few, a few phrases. One of the main ones when you walk you through a, so is Uhy, mc la Yeah. A funny, anybody doesn't know what that is, that's No, thank you. Go away.
Speaker 2 (4m 59s): Yeah.
Speaker 0 (5m 1s): So very important one to, to pick up on. Yeah. So growing up in Southern California, So, you never saw rain
Speaker 2 (5m 9s): Very, very seldom, you know, maybe about three days a year.
Speaker 0 (5m 15s): Yeah. So no arranged in Southern California. So growing up there, there, so what, what was, what was it like with, with your father being so controlling? What, what was he, what was the aspect of his control?
Speaker 2 (5m 33s): I think it was more like do, as I say, You know, You know. Let me put you on a path that is best for you. According to him, you know, So, you do the right thing in life and not the wrong thing according to him. So very controlling about, you know, just all aspects, whether it's career or personality or ambitions.
It wasn't really your career ambitions or personality. It was all about their career or ambitions or personality. So. it, it took a very long time for you to develop a true sense of self.
Speaker 1 (6m 21s): Yeah. And
Speaker 2 (6m 22s): If you don't take a moment to realize that, you may never develop that.
Speaker 0 (6m 27s): So, so do, do you control who you saw when you saw them and when did it really start? When did you notice that he was that controlling of your life?
Speaker 2 (6m 43s): Not until my forties.
Speaker 0 (6m 46s): Oh, grief.
Speaker 1 (6m 47s): Yeah.
Speaker 0 (6m 47s): So, you, you had to put up with it for a long time. Yeah. What, what was the catalyst that, that, that finally pushed you over the edge? To, to,
Speaker 2 (7m 1s): I think what the catalyst was when he passed away and I took a step back to reevaluate my, myself and my per my life, and realized I was doing things on his behalf and not mine. Mm. So it wasn't until I looked at myself in the third person's, third person from a third person to realize that, that I was not living a life on my own terms. I was living on everyone else's.
Speaker 0 (7m 29s): So what did you do? What, what, what, what? I mean, once you, you realized that you was living other people's lives that they wanted you to live, how did you change?
Speaker 2 (7m 45s): I started saying no.
Speaker 1 (7m 48s): That
Speaker 2 (7m 49s): First thing was I started saying no to the things that I was not interested in. didn didn't want to be involved in art. I didn't want to do, I didn't want to be a part of Yeah. Finally decided to, you know, live life on my own terms. And, and being able to say no as someone who grew up under the guidance of a Narcissist is extremely hard.
Speaker 1 (8m 17s): Right.
Speaker 0 (8m 17s): I would imagine so, because I, I guess, I guess all you've had to do is, is just bow and scrape and say yes all the time. And I guess that rubs onto from other people want to control you. Right.
Speaker 2 (8m 33s): A hundred percent So. it wasn't an overnight thing, but it took time.
Speaker 1 (8m 38s): Yeah.
Speaker 2 (8m 38s): Little by little
Speaker 1 (8m 41s): To get there. So
Speaker 0 (8m 44s): Where are you now? How's, how is your life now?
Speaker 2 (8m 49s): Definitely different. Still adjusting, still figuring things out what I want versus what I don't want. What was imprinted in me and what was not imprinted into me. And making those corrections as I go. Better to figure it out now than never.
Speaker 0 (9m 9s): Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And I mean, do you have children?
Speaker 2 (9m 16s): No kids. Yeah.
Speaker 0 (9m 18s): No kids yet.
Speaker 2 (9m 19s): No kids.
Speaker 0 (9m 20s): So you, you, you've not been able to, to sort of pass on that to them.
Speaker 2 (9m 26s): Yeah.
Speaker 0 (9m 28s): But I guess that's, that's a positive
Speaker 2 (9m 32s): It would be. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 0 (9m 35s): So what would your advice be to anybody that's being controlled?
Speaker 2 (9m 43s): I would say understand that you have a lot more success and ability in yourself than you, than you have been told you have. Right. Look at yourself from a third person's perspective and then really understand where you are, who you are, what you've done, what you've accomplished, and realize that you have done this and not someone else on your behalf, someone else did not get you through college.
Someone else did not get you a job, someone else did not, you know, get you to where you are. IE even the Narcissist, you actually did that yourself. So if you can realize that this is all on you and all the success and all the accomplishments are on your shoulders and not someone else's shoulders, you'll start to realize how powerful and strong you really are.
Speaker 0 (10m 43s): That's a very powerful message there.
Speaker 2 (10m 45s): Yeah.
Speaker 0 (10m 47s): I guess the, I guess that the hardest part is realizing or coming to an understanding that you are being controlled.
Speaker 2 (10m 57s): Yeah.
Speaker 0 (10m 58s): And if you've had it right from an early age, you know, a lot of difference,
Speaker 2 (11m 6s): You know, at all. Yeah.
Speaker 0 (11m 8s): So, I mean, it took you until your forties to, to, to realize that you've been controlled all those years
Speaker 2 (11m 18s): And it's, this is where comparison should come into play, where you can start comparing your life or your opportunities or your decision making to other people, because this is where you can see, hey, other people are living life on their own terms. So can I Yeah, that's, and comparison, you should not be comparing yourself with other people, but this is one of those instances that you should
Speaker 0 (11m 51s): Definitely, I mean, I guess you, you see other people in the way that they live and the way that they make their own decisions about what they do with their lives, what they do. Particularly if you, if you are, when you get to the stage of, of leaving high school and going to college And, and having to make a decision of what you want to go and do as opposed to being told what you wanna go and do.
So many kids are told that they will be a lawyer or they will be a doctor and pushed into that route when all they wanna do, i, i is be a, a mechanic or a builder, but they're being pushed by, by parents into to doing something that they, they really haven't got the heart to do. So how did you do at college then? What, what courses did you take and and did your father dictate what you did?
Speaker 2 (12m 59s): Yeah, to a certain extent, yes, he did. you know, he didn't tell me what courses to follow, but you felt like you had to follow a business path like him to make him happy because you were expected to work in the family business. You were expected to work for him. you know, I came home one day after doing very well in some law courses I was taking, and I told him I was interested in being a lawyer, And that was shot down.
I was not even allowed to consider that because he's had so many poor experiences with attorneys that he would not allow his son to be an attorney because of the, his experiences with attorneys in the past. So then, you know, my desire to become an attorney was shot down because of his experiences, not mine. Even though I was doing very well in those classes, I was excelling and I really enjoyed it.
Speaker 0 (14m 5s): So, so what did he push you into then?
Speaker 2 (14m 11s): Just general business, you know, as long as it was something that he was not against So, it was more of finance and financial and real estate type business courses I took. As long as he was not against it. Yeah.
Speaker 0 (14m 29s): Yeah. And, and, and did you put your heart and soul in it?
Speaker 2 (14m 35s): I did to a certain extent. I did fairly well, but I also always wanted to become a pilot. That was my dream. And when I told him that he shot that down as well, And, that was kind of, you know, never came up again. you know, instead of encouraging me and helping me and guiding me to become a pilot.
Speaker 0 (14m 55s): So you, he didn't want that. so didn didn't push you towards the military then?
Speaker 2 (14m 59s): No, he pushed me back to the family business where he wanted me to be.
Speaker 0 (15m 6s): And did you take over the family business after he died?
Speaker 2 (15m 10s): I did, yes.
Speaker 0 (15m 12s): And is that what you're doing nowadays?
Speaker 2 (15m 15s): I am, yes.
Speaker 0 (15m 16s): So it was kind of left a legacy then
Speaker 2 (15m 22s): He did. But there was a lot of, a lot of things in the business that needed to be fixed for sure. That I'm still fixing. So you,
Speaker 0 (15m 33s): So you, you, you are happy now that, that you are able to, to steer the business in the way that you want to take it. Yeah,
Speaker 2 (15m 42s): Very true. Yeah, it's, we're growing, we're expanding. It's, it's really good. I'm enjoying it. It's a, it's, it's a good balance now versus very unbalanced in the past. Yeah.
Speaker 0 (15m 57s): And when, when did your father leave the business? When, when did he
Speaker 2 (16m 3s): 20 I, you know, I've been running the business since 2009, but he passed in the 2019.
Speaker 0 (16m 10s): Oh, right. Did he still have a, a hand in it, those, those 10 years?
Speaker 2 (16m 16s): A hundred percent yes.
Speaker 0 (16m 17s): Poking his, get poking his nose in.
Speaker 2 (16m 20s): Oh yeah. Lots of fights, lots of arguments.
Speaker 0 (16m 25s): So. yeah. So you've been running the business for the last 20 years, so
Speaker 2 (16m 30s): Yes, for sure. What,
Speaker 0 (16m 33s): I mean, how did you deal with him after he, he sort of stepped back, but didn't,
Speaker 2 (16m 40s): He didn't really step back. I was just running the whole operations and he would still dictate my, my courses of action. I was essentially a, a foot soldier really, even though I did everything.
Speaker 0 (16m 55s): Yeah.
Speaker 2 (16m 56s): Yeah.
Speaker 0 (16m 59s): So we, we, we've had a few comments coming in here con many congratulations on pulling that business around. thank you. Yeah. Thanks Katie. So. yeah. So take strength from it. I mean, sounds, sounds like you've now got yourself on a, a path that you want to follow as opposed to having one forced on you.
Speaker 2 (17m 27s): Very much So. yeah. I am now living a life on my own terms, doing what I wanna do, saying no to what I don't wanna do and saying yes to what I do wanna do. And the more you do that, the more you find people who accept that in you. And those are the kind of people you wanna be around. Yeah. Right. So they, they accept your true self and not your fake self.
Speaker 0 (17m 56s): So what about learning to fly? Yeah. Is that still an ambition?
Speaker 2 (18m 2s): Yeah, I think so. I'm, I'm moving to a new neighborhood pretty soon. There's a small airport close by, so I think that is back on the, on the agenda for sure. Looking forward to it. And
Speaker 0 (18m 14s): Yeah. So what sort of aircraft are you looking at flying? So little Cessnas or,
Speaker 2 (18m 19s): Or I think for the, for the time being Yeah. To get started and then You know maybe if I have the time and the ability to continue to move up from there. you know, just enjoy it. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 0 (18m 31s): Any desires to become a a, a commercial flyer?
Speaker 2 (18m 37s): I would love of, of to do that if I was younger, but now that I'm a bit older, I think I'm a little bit too comfortable and not really looking forward to the strenuous life of overnights and being away from home and stuff like that at my age. Mm. If I was younger I would've been totally fine with it, but now it's a little bit different. Yeah. But it would've been very though for
Speaker 0 (18m 59s): Sure. Fly for pleasure.
Speaker 2 (19m 1s): Yeah, I think that's it now.
Speaker 0 (19m 4s): Sounds like a good scheme to me.
Speaker 2 (19m 6s): Scheme So. yeah, I think so.
Speaker 0 (19m 8s): Have you got any other ambitious that you want to take up that I can now Not You
Speaker 2 (19m 15s): Know. Yeah, no, just You know. Just have experiences now. Don't have a scarcity and mindset that you should not be doing things like you were taught you Now it's more of an abundance mindset and go have those experience. Go make those memories, go do those things that you would would've said no to before, but now you say yes to things that make you uncomfortable, but now you say yes to it and you try it out and you, and you realize it was a great experience and you're glad you did it.
Speaker 0 (19m 51s): That's sound advice. Yeah. Absolute sound advice. So Ahmed, I wish you well for the future.
Speaker 2 (20m 1s): Thank you Tim. Appreciate it.
Speaker 0 (20m 2s): It sounds like that you've, you've managed to turn it around and you've learned to say no and you're doing what you wanna do. You are running the business how you want to run it.
Speaker 2 (20m 15s): Yeah, it's doing well.
Speaker 0 (20m 19s): Hope it continues to make a great success.
Speaker 2 (20m 22s): Thank you.
Speaker 0 (20m 27s): So there you go. You can overcome living with a Narcissist and it's important that you realize that you are being controlled from an early age. And once you've, you've realized that, then you have the power then to be able to do something about it. So that's it for This week next week I'm hoping to have a guest on, I've got one in the pipeline.
Hopefully we're gonna be talking a little bit more about what we were talking about last week, which was veteran suicide. So I wish you all have a, a good week and I'll catch up with you next week. So until then, oh, TTFN Tatar for now.
Welcome to the Tim Heale podcast. If you have the time, you cannot only listen to the episodes, but you can also watch all the shows and you'll find the links in the description below. thank you.